beer trouble shooting

[DEMPSEY]

Going out to catch a few pints with friends? Make sure you keep this handy beer troubleshooting guide with you. It will help you solve most of your beer problems. Here it is:

Problem: Feet are wet and cold
Reason: Glass is held at wrong angle
Solution: Rotate glass in a way that the open end is toward the ceiling

Problem: Feet are wet and warm
Reason: Lack of bladder control
Solution: Stand near a dog. Blame the dog

Problem: Beer tasteless and pale
Reason: Glass is empty
Solution: Just find someone who can get you another beer

Problem: Opposite wall has lights
Reason: You've fallen backwards
Solution: Make someone hold you up

Problem: Mouth is full of dirt
Reason: You've fallen face first
Solution: Make someone hold you up

Problem: Beer is tasteless and your shirt is wet
Reason: Mouth not completely open, or applied the glass to wrong part of the face
Solution: Go to washroom and practice in front of mirror

Problem: Floor is blurred
Reason: You're looking down through an empty glass
Solution: Just find someone who can get you another beer

Problem: Floor is moving
Reason: You're being moved out
Solution: Go to another bar

Problem: It's all dark
Reason: Bar closed
Solution: Ask your name and address from the bartender

Problem: Suddenly everything is illuminated and there are stars and colors all around
Reason: Too much beer
Solution: Cover mouth

Problem: Everyone is looking at you and smiling
Reason: You are doing something stupid
Solution: Stop what you are doing and sit down quietly

Problem: Beer tastes weird and is crystal clear
Reason: It is water. Somebody gave you water so that you can get sober
Solution: Punch that jerk

Problem: Body hurts
Reason: You were involved in a fight
Solution: Apologize to random people, hoping you have apologized to the right person

Problem: Don't recognize anyone
Reason: You're in the wrong party
Solution: Find free beer

Problem: You aren't able to sing/dance properly
Reason: Not enough beer
Solution: Have more beer

Problem: You forgot the song you were singing
Reason: You are hiding your creative side
Solution: Start playing air guitar and sing louder than ever