The joke thread.

[DEMPSEY]

Words of wisdom.
A successful Man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend, A successful Woman is one who can find him.

[Drum]

Advice for those organising club meetings 

[Acott]

Better with audio :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpuINaqFPh8&feature=youtu.be

[DEMPSEY]

feck health and safety

[LordEoin]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcRHUOTNobE

[DEMPSEY]

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogery
chwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress: "Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said: "Burrr... gurrr... King."

[Acott]

https://youtu.be/Jsci--s8J48

[phelixoflaherty]

I bought a very cheap watch in the local market 2 days ago. It just says now..

[Leann ull]

[Will_D]

 

[Bazza]

I'd like to see something similar to address the millions of people who can't seem to fathom:

your = yours i.e. belonging to you (e.g. 'get off your high horse, you Tyrone tw*t')
you're = short for 'you are' i.e. the combination of the words 'you' and 'are' (e.g. 'you're going to make a lot of enemies with this post')

I get the feeling there was a 'flu pandemic back in the 70's and only ten of us made it into school that day.
...and again in 80's
...90's
...00's
...10's

There, I've (short for 'I have') finally said it.

-Barry

[Eoin]

I'd like to see something similar to address the millions of people who can't seem to fathom:

your = yours i.e. belonging to you (e.g. 'get off your high horse, you Tyrone tw*t')
you're = short for 'you are' i.e. the combination of the words 'you' and 'are' (e.g. 'you're going to make a lot of enemies with this post')

I get the feeling there was a 'flu pandemic back in the 70's and only ten of us made it into school that day.
...and again in 80's
...90's
...00's
...10's

There, I've (short for 'I have') finally said it.

-Barry

[johnrm]

Never criticise a mans autocorrect until you have wanked a milf in his shoes

[DEMPSEY]

So I was in the pub and a man said to me " when I get home I'm going to reef my wife's knickers off", "why" says I and says he, "cause their bleed'n killing me".

[SprocketFuel]

Out having a drink tonight and the guy next to me at the bar was drinking like its going out of fashion.

After a few pints he turns to me and says "I F#*ked his mother" while pointing at the bar man

I laughed and got back to my drink

A few minutes later her turned around and shouted it again., Again I ignored it.

An other few minutes passed and he got off his stool, Walked over to me, Put his arm around me and shouted it so everybody could hear.
With that the bar man came from behind the bar and frog marched him towards the door, "Ok Da, Time to go home!"