The joke thread.

[Eoin]

As it says in the title. Please add any as you see fit, I'll kick it off.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said "Let's make this more interesting".

So we stopped playing chess.

[JimmyM]

Think ive shared this one before - but still makes me laugh when i think of my nephew telling it...

Why did the egg get arrested?
Cos his yolk was hangin out!

[Eoin]

I was pressing some apples for cider, a bit sloppily, and my wife walked by and slipped on the liquid. She got very angry and said some ugly things. I said, "That's right...blame the juice!"

[Eoin]

I came home from the pub really drunk last night.

As I staggered into the living room and sat down on the sofa my wife looked at me and said, "Can't you just go out and have a couple of drinks?"

"Of course I can," I replied, standing back up, "Just let me get my coat."

[Eoin]

    My wife left a note on the fridge, "it's not working. I can't take it anymore. I'm going to my mum's place."

    I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold... what the hell is she talking about?

[Eoin]

    A farmer gets a phone call from his son.
    I've run over a pig and it's stuck under the tractor still alive....shoot it says the farmer,then bury it....
    About 20 min later he gets another call.... Done that,what should i do with his speed camera and bike?

[Eoin]

Apparently they have nearly found a cure for dyslexia, which is music to my arse.

[Eoin]

I took my son out for his first pint. I got him a Fosters he didn't like it so I had it. I bought him a carlsberg, he didn't want that. So I had that one.It was the same with the Guinness & the cider. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push his pram.



OK that's enough from me for now

[DEMPSEY]

When Jane met Tarzan in the jungle,she asked him how long he had being there,"years" he said,so she asked "what do you do for sex","I fook tree's",so lying down and spreading her legs she asked "would you like to fook me","yes" he said and promptly kick her between the legs,"what did you do that for"she said,"I'm just checking for squirrels" he said.

[Weiss]

"Fuck off, we're closed."

"But the sign says "OPEN 24/7!" "

"Yeah, and today's 27/6, so fuck off."

[JD]

There are two type of people in this world: those that crave closure.

[Bazza]

Pete and Bob are out on a night's drinking.

Pete ends up getting so drunk he throws up over his shirt and immediately starts worrying about what his wife will do when he gets home and she sees the state of him.

'I've an idea', says Bob. 'Put a tenner in the breast pocket of your coat. When your wife ses your shirt, tell her some random drunk bloke in the pub threw up on you and, by way of an apology, popped the tenner in your jacket pocket to pay for the cleaning.'

'Excellent idea', says Pete. 'That's what I'll do.'

So Pete gets home and his wife, who's still up, naturally freaks out when she sees his shirt all covered in sick.

'Hang on', says Pete, 'It's not my fault. If you look in my jacket pocket you'll find a tenner. Some really drunk bloke staggered past me and just at the wrong moment threw up over me. He could see I was pretty annoyed so he apologised and popped that tenner into my jacket to pay for the cleaning.'

His wife, still unconvinced, reaches into Pete's pocket. 'Hang on', she says, 'Why are there TWO tenners in here?'

'Oh, he shat me pants as well'.

-Barry

[DEMPSEY]

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Cos she had no arms.

So no point fighting with her,she's armless.

[DEMPSEY]

So you chew hammers for a living,are you a professional,no I am an amatuer.

[Eoin]

So you chew hammers for a living,are you a professional,no I am an amatuer.

Do that again and you'll be banned or something....Il Tubo Grande, you saw this and let it go without an administrative warning???

I am disappointed.