The joke thread.

[DEMPSEY]

Priceless is that. Next stop the oxford dicky

[Garry]

[DEMPSEY]

Achmed was killed fighting for Isis and so his friends wanted to find out did he get to paradise and get the virgins so they had a seance. "Achmed, Achmed are you there can you hear us. Is that you Abdul, yes whats it like where you are now. Its fantastic I don't have to do any work and the weather here is warm and sunny, I relax alot and when the urge is on me I ride any female I want. That's fantastic so you made it to paradise then. What no I'm a rabbit in a meadow".

[Sorcerers Apprentice]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.



On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more'. So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[HomeBrewWest]

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Cos she had no arms.

That is the worst ever, unless I'm missing something. Worse even that:
- how does a ship hear things?
... with its engineers.

[Bzfeale80]

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly.

Lorraine dies suddenly.

At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

[DEMPSEY]

Went for a job with a farrier and he asked me if I had ever shoe'd a horse before. No I said but I once told a Donkey to feck off.

[Bzfeale80]

Bill Gates goes to purgatory.

St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.

Bill chooses Hell.

About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.

Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"

St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."

[DEMPSEY]

A Bishop was travelling with alot of Priests on an Aeroplane heading to the middle East and were flying over Romania. A young Priest was sitting looking out the Window and the bishop said to him that that land down there now is Transilvania,home of Dracula. Just as he spoke he noticed something far off heading towards the plane,as it got nearer and bigger everyone else began to notice too. All were transfixed by the image as it got nearer and larger. Finally it landed on the side of the plane and using its fangs began to bite at the window. All the Priests jump up in panic and looked to the Bishop. "Quick lads grab your crucifixes", he said "but we can't because they are locked up in our luggage" they all cried out, "then use your fingers lads" he said "OK" they said and immediately ran to the window and gestured with their fingers "fook off,Fook off".

[DEMPSEY]

"go and take a look at the size of the shit I've just done in the bathroom !" I said to the wife.
"no thanks", she replied.
"please...just one quick look", I said, "you won't believe it".
She pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, "theres nothing down there, you must have flushed it".
I said "it's on the scales".

[DEMPSEY]

For those of us who appreciate good grammar.

On his 74th birthday Tom got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was
rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine.
You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and
then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[Chris]

HOMEMADE BEER KILLS

http://www.perthnow.com.au/video/id-Z5YnhxcjqSqe8dkSI883cae9CXd7AUBg/Bad-beer-kills-at-least-69-in-Mozambique

[Acott]

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gagged!

I'll get my coat!

[The Mottly Brew]

A man was stopped  on the M50 For Drink Driving. The guard asked him to blow into the breathalyzer he produced a card from his wallet stating he had chronic asthma so he couldn't. The guard said ok we will have to go to the station for a blood test the guy said I can' t I have a blood disorder that if I lose any blood I need a immediate transfusion. OK said the guard we need to do a urine test to test the blood alcohol level in your system. The guy takes another card from his wallet " I AM A MANCHESTER UNITED SUPPORTER PLEASE DON'T TAKE THE PISS "

[The Mottly Brew]

http://omeleto.com/199788/ Saw this on FB thought it was funny.