The joke thread.

[LordEoin]

Mr and Mrs are doing the weekly shopping in Tesco.
Mr picks up a half price slab of Carlsberg, but Mrs says "You dont need that at all, it's a waste of money".
In the next isle, Mrs picks up some face cream, so Mr returns fire with "You dont need that at all, it's a waste of money".
A heated discussion followed with Mrs reasoning 'But it smooths out wrinkles and makes me more attractive for you".
To which Mr replies "So does 24 cans of Carlsberg, and that was half price!"

[ColinC]

What's 6 inches long & starts with a 'P'?......

A shite! 

[mcgrath]

What's 6 inches long & starts with a 'P'?......

A shite! 

^^

[Dara]

The barman says,' We don't serve your kind around here'.
A time traveler walks into a bar.

[irish_goat]

Only in the north. 

[Eoin]

Only in the north. 

I wish that was a joke 

[Kieran the Human]

Give a man a fire and he is warm for a few hours. But set a man on fire and he is warm for the rest of his life

[Eoin]

Only in the north. 

Although he does have a point. I think he's anti breaking/rescinding the bye law rather than anti beer.

It's most certainly not fully thought through and makes him look stupid to be honest.

[DEMPSEY]

A politician looking and sounding stupid,now there's a first .

[Eoin]

A guy goes to a beekeeper and says

"I want to start my own hive, can I have ten bees please?

The beekeeper hands over a jar with some bees in it.

The guy examines the jar and says "excuse me, you've given me eleven bees".

The beekeepers replies "I know, one of them is a freebee"

[Eoin]

Oh good lord!

I think my joke is better...although your one certainly is more controversial

[JimmyM]

A naked man jogs past two old ladies. One of them had a stroke, the other one couldn't reach.

[Ciderhead]

Two repair men were walking along examining the railway track, chatting casually.
"I had a great shag near here the other day," said one of them, "a great girl, she had a lovely body and the longest smoothest legs you can imagine. Gagging for it she was. The best sex I've had in years!"
"Well," said the other, she must have been a bit of a dog to go with you. What did she look like? Blonde hair I suppose."
"Dunno," said the first, "I couldn't find her head."

[Eoin]

The teacher asks the class to define the word contagious by putting it in a sentence.

Little Mary puts up her hand.

"My mammy said I had to stay away from my friend who has measles so I don't get sick because it's contagious".

Teacher says "very good Mary"

Little Michaels hand goes up.

"Some people say that yawning is contagious"

Teacher says "very good Michael"

Little Johnnies hand shoots up.

"My Granda wanted to paint the house, but he only had a little brush, so it took the contagious"

[DEMPSEY]

Teacher teaching her class about using words in a sentence "who can put the word beautiful in a sentence"lots of kids put up there hands including Eoin. Mary was asked and she said "today is a beautiful day". The Teacher then asked if anyone could put the word in twice and only Eoin put up his hand." Me big sister came home last night and said she was pregnant and me Daa said ah that's just beautiful,fooking beautiful.