The joke thread.

[Eoin]

They've got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for an hour because I started to feel sick,but it's genius - it's got Mars bars, KitKat Chunkys, crisps...everything

[Eoin]

A friend of mine died after drinking a gallon of varnish. It was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.

Sent from my HTC One

[Eoin]

Why did the girl fall off the swing? Cos she had no arms.

cue Dempsey with an "armless" joke

I know he thought it.

[DEMPSEY]

I was visiting friends over Christmas, and at one point I asked their daughter if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, use my iPad."

So I did, and I have to admit I was impressed - that fly never knew what hit him.

[LordEoin]

[johnrm]

Mrs johnrm is on the floor

[Col]

A very narcisisstic is admiring his muscular, well-toned naked body in the mirror, when he realises something is amiss - he is perfectly tanned, apart from his alarmingly white John Thomas. So, in an effort to correct this, he goes down to the beach, digs a hole, and climbs in. Then he covers himself with sand, leaving nothing but his weapon exposed.
An hour later, two elderly women walk past, and one of them comments 'Well, that's bloody typical, that is. When I was 10, I didn't know what they were. When I twenty, I was curious about them. When I was thirty, I was loving them. When I was forty, I was gagging for them, and by the time I was fifty, I was paying for them.
'Now, here I am, sixty years old and I've more or less forgotten about them, and the fcuking things are growing out of the ground!'

[DEMPSEY]

A man walks into a crowded bar with a loaded gun and shouts "who's been f****** my wife?"a voice in the back shouts " you don't have enough bullets".....

[LordEoin]

[Greg2013]

Found this by accident, wish i had found this earlier 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_CPA6uRnBc

[Ciderhead]

Disappointed Abras did get a mention is it still there?

"Its ok the Poundshop is still going strong",

VG Mr G!!

[Kieran the Human]

Abras is alive and well....alive anyway

[DEMPSEY]

This woman had a Parrot that would not stop using (fowl  ) language and one day She threatened the bird to shut up. "Polly says feck off Polly says feck off" so she put a hood over its cage but still the bird squawked "Polly says feck off Polly says feck off". Finally she took the bird out of its cage and put it in the fridge. As the bird was perching in there it looked around the fridge and saw a stuffed cooked chicken, "Jasus what the fook did you say".

[Eoin]

"You seem to periodically have a fungus problem up at the top of your house."

"That's OK, it's just a spore-attic problem."

[DEMPSEY]

haha