The joke thread.

[HomeBrewWest]

This is how to advertise your craft cider. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Xfzxesxk_Yo&feature=youtu.be

Fredrick Von Dickens . . . . should have given it away!

[DEMPSEY]

A lamb vindaloo is lying quietly in a stomach. All of a sudden something cold and wet lands on top of it.

"Hey! Who the hell are you?" says the vindaloo.

"I'm a double vodka," says the newcomer. "Dave just paid for me."

A few minutes later another downpour arrives.

"And who in the hell are you?" says the vindaloo.

"I'm a double vodka," says the latest newcomer. "Dave just got another round in."

This goes on for a while until the tenth double vodka gushes in and says Dave just bought it.

"You guys have made me curious," says the vindaloo. "I'm going to take a look at this Dave bloke myself!!"

[DEMPSEY]

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

[DEMPSEY]

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
-------------------
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

[JimmyM]

A lamb vindaloo is lying quietly in a stomach. All of a sudden something cold and wet lands on top of it.

"Hey! Who the hell are you?" says the vindaloo.

"I'm a double vodka," says the newcomer. "Dave just paid for me."

A few minutes later another downpour arrives.

"And who in the hell are you?" says the vindaloo.

"I'm a double vodka," says the latest newcomer. "Dave just got another round in."

This goes on for a while until the tenth double vodka gushes in and says Dave just bought it.

"You guys have made me curious," says the vindaloo. "I'm going to take a look at this Dave bloke myself!!"

dont get it !!

[DEMPSEY]

A lamb vindaloo is lying quietly in a stomach. All of a sudden something cold and wet lands on top of it.

"Hey! Who the hell are you?" says the vindaloo.

"I'm a double vodka," says the newcomer. "Dave just paid for me."

A few minutes later another downpour arrives.

"And who in the hell are you?" says the vindaloo.

"I'm a double vodka," says the latest newcomer. "Dave just got another round in."

This goes on for a while until the tenth double vodka gushes in and says Dave just bought it.

"You guys have made me curious," says the vindaloo. "I'm going to take a look at this Dave bloke myself!!"

dont get it !!

Aah Jimmy are you telling me you never went looking for any drunks 2 best mates Hughie and Rolf

[DEMPSEY]

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun!
What the heck is a golf gun?'
'I don't know.
But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

[Ciderhead]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[lampie]

A german toilet lady is earning a lot of money on the mens toilet



A little translation:

Use of mens toilet

Small love pump: 10 cent
big love pump: 2 euro

I am going to a different toilet now.. It cost 5 euro each time i have to go to the toilet  :

[DEMPSEY]

3 Cork lads and 3 Kerry blokes were in a ticket queue at the train station heading  for a Ireland - England International at Lansdowne.

The 3 Cork lads each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Kerry Boys bought just one ticket between them.
"How are the 3 of you going to travel on 1 ticket?" asked one of the Cork lads.
"Yeall have to watch and learn boys" answered one of the boys from Kerry.

When the 6 travellers boarded the train, the 3 Corkonians sat down, but the 3 Kerry boys crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train set off the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "tickets please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The Conductor took it and moved on into the next car.

The Cork lads saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save themselves some money.

That evening after the game, when they all got to heuston, the Cork lads bought a single ticket for the return trip, while to their astonishment, the 3 Kerry lads didn't even buy 1 ticket.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Corkonians.
"A lads yeall have to watch and learn", answered one of the Kerry boys.

When they boarded the train the 3 Corkonians crammed themselves into a toilet and the 3 Kerry boys crammed themselves into another toilet.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Kerry boys left their toilet and walked over to the Cork lad's toilet. He knocked on the door and said "ticket please"

[DEMPSEY]

TEACHING ENGLISH

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realises that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says,
"This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he
hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilised and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."

[lampie]

beer machine
http://www.leagueofbeers.com/blog/craft-beer-refills-soda-machine/

[brenmurph]

Instant coffee was invented and it was science fiction when it happened... Giv it time we will have instant beer, stranger things have happened in the food industry

[alealex]

Check this out fellas 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOKuSQIJlog

[Eoin]

That dude reminds me of the ether scene in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.