National Homebrew Club Ireland

As it says in the title. Please add any as you see fit, I'll kick it off.


I was playing chess with my friend and he said "Let's make this more interesting".

So we stopped playing chess.

Think ive shared this one before - but still makes me laugh when i think of my nephew telling it...

Why did the egg get arrested?
Cos his yolk was hangin out!

I was pressing some apples for cider, a bit sloppily, and my wife walked by and slipped on the liquid. She got very angry and said some ugly things. I said, "That's right...blame the juice!"

I came home from the pub really drunk last night.

As I staggered into the living room and sat down on the sofa my wife looked at me and said, "Can't you just go out and have a couple of drinks?"

"Of course I can," I replied, standing back up, "Just let me get my coat."

    My wife left a note on the fridge, "it's not working. I can't take it anymore. I'm going to my mum's place."

    I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold... what the hell is she talking about?

    A farmer gets a phone call from his son.
    I've run over a pig and it's stuck under the tractor still alive....shoot it says the farmer,then bury it....
    About 20 min later he gets another call.... Done that,what should i do with his speed camera and bike?

Apparently they have nearly found a cure for dyslexia, which is music to my arse.

I took my son out for his first pint. I got him a Fosters he didn't like it so I had it. I bought him a carlsberg, he didn't want that. So I had that one.It was the same with the Guinness & the cider. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push his pram.



OK that's enough from me for now :)

When Jane met Tarzan in the jungle,she asked him how long he had being there,"years" he said,so she asked "what do you do for sex","I fook tree's",so lying down and spreading her legs she asked "would you like to fook me","yes" he said and promptly kick her between the legs,"what did you do that for"she said,"I'm just checking for squirrels" he said.

"Fuck off, we're closed."

"But the sign says "OPEN 24/7!" "

"Yeah, and today's 27/6, so fuck off."

There are two type of people in this world: those that crave closure.

Pete and Bob are out on a night's drinking.

Pete ends up getting so drunk he throws up over his shirt and immediately starts worrying about what his wife will do when he gets home and she sees the state of him.

'I've an idea', says Bob. 'Put a tenner in the breast pocket of your coat. When your wife ses your shirt, tell her some random drunk bloke in the pub threw up on you and, by way of an apology, popped the tenner in your jacket pocket to pay for the cleaning.'

'Excellent idea', says Pete. 'That's what I'll do.'

So Pete gets home and his wife, who's still up, naturally freaks out when she sees his shirt all covered in sick.

'Hang on', says Pete, 'It's not my fault. If you look in my jacket pocket you'll find a tenner. Some really drunk bloke staggered past me and just at the wrong moment threw up over me. He could see I was pretty annoyed so he apologised and popped that tenner into my jacket to pay for the cleaning.'

His wife, still unconvinced, reaches into Pete's pocket. 'Hang on', she says, 'Why are there TWO tenners in here?'

'Oh, he shat me pants as well'.

-Barry

Quote from: Il Tubo on June 27, 2013, 03:24:41 PM
Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Cos she had no arms.

So no point fighting with her,she's armless.

So you chew hammers for a living,are you a professional,no I am an amatuer.

Quote from: DEMPSEY on June 27, 2013, 03:32:36 PM
So you chew hammers for a living,are you a professional,no I am an amatuer.

Do that again and you'll be banned or something....Il Tubo Grande, you saw this and let it go without an administrative warning???

I am disappointed.

Mr and Mrs are doing the weekly shopping in Tesco.
Mr picks up a half price slab of Carlsberg, but Mrs says "You dont need that at all, it's a waste of money".
In the next isle, Mrs picks up some face cream, so Mr returns fire with "You dont need that at all, it's a waste of money".
A heated discussion followed with Mrs reasoning 'But it smooths out wrinkles and makes me more attractive for you".
To which Mr replies "So does 24 cans of Carlsberg, and that was half price!"

What's 6 inches long & starts with a 'P'?......

A shite!  ;)

Quote from: ColinC on June 28, 2013, 09:43:26 AM
What's 6 inches long & starts with a 'P'?......

A shite!  ;)

;D^^

The barman says,' We don't serve your kind around here'.
A time traveler walks into a bar.

Only in the north.  ???

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/1044018_382319331867695_1559472080_n.jpg)

Quote from: irish_goat on July 04, 2013, 09:47:58 AM
Only in the north.  ???

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/1044018_382319331867695_1559472080_n.jpg)

I wish that was a joke  :( :( :(

Give a man a fire and he is warm for a few hours. But set a man on fire and he is warm for the rest of his life

Quote from: Il Tubo on July 04, 2013, 10:41:22 AM

Quote from: irish_goat on July 04, 2013, 09:47:58 AM
Only in the north.  ???

Although he does have a point. I think he's anti breaking/rescinding the bye law rather than anti beer.

It's most certainly not fully thought through and makes him look stupid to be honest.

A politician looking and sounding stupid,now there's a first :D.

A guy goes to a beekeeper and says

"I want to start my own hive, can I have ten bees please?

The beekeeper hands over a jar with some bees in it.

The guy examines the jar and says "excuse me, you've given me eleven bees".

The beekeepers replies "I know, one of them is a freebee"

Quote from: Il Tubo on August 26, 2013, 12:43:36 PM
Oh good lord!

I think my joke is better...although your one certainly is more controversial ;)

A naked man jogs past two old ladies. One of them had a stroke, the other one couldn't reach.

Two repair men were walking along examining the railway track, chatting casually.
"I had a great shag near here the other day," said one of them, "a great girl, she had a lovely body and the longest smoothest legs you can imagine. Gagging for it she was. The best sex I've had in years!"
"Well," said the other, she must have been a bit of a dog to go with you. What did she look like? Blonde hair I suppose."
"Dunno," said the first, "I couldn't find her head."

The teacher asks the class to define the word contagious by putting it in a sentence.

Little Mary puts up her hand.

"My mammy said I had to stay away from my friend who has measles so I don't get sick because it's contagious".

Teacher says "very good Mary"

Little Michaels hand goes up.

"Some people say that yawning is contagious"

Teacher says "very good Michael"

Little Johnnies hand shoots up.

"My Granda wanted to paint the house, but he only had a little brush, so it took the contagious"

Teacher teaching her class about using words in a sentence "who can put the word beautiful in a sentence"lots of kids put up there hands including Eoin. Mary was asked and she said "today is a beautiful day". The Teacher then asked if anyone could put the word in twice and only Eoin put up his hand." Me big sister came home last night and said she was pregnant and me Daa said ah that's just beautiful,fooking beautiful.

(http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-score008.gif) (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php)

In a chemist the other day saw different packets of condoms and so ask why,the pack of 3 was for teenagers for Friday,Saturday and Sunday. The pack of 7 was for College Students Monday,Tuesday,Wednesday,Thursday,Friday,Saturday and Sunday. The pack of 12 was for married couples,January,February.....

A young American Indian ran into his father and asked "Father, how are we named?"

His father looked down at him and said "When a child is born, the father leaves the teepee and the first thing that he sees will form the name of the child. That is why your brother is called 'Shooting Star' and your sister is called 'Deer in the Morning'"

He paused to let this sink in and then queried: "Why do you ask 'Two Dogs Fucking'?"

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box !

Anyone brave enough?

(http://i.imgur.com/cO5YDOa.png)

3 men discussing sex in a bar, first one say's he likes to do it missionary style,the second one say's he likes to do it doggy style and the third one say's he likes to do it rodeo style. The first two ask what's rodeo style. Its the same as doggy style only you tell her her sister is better at this. :)

you always roll that one out :P

I'll rob one on brendan o carrol (i think)

Fella at a disco says to a girl, "any chance of a ride?" she says "im on my menstral cycle" to which he replies "thats no problem, ive got the van outside it'll fit in the back"

Its spiralling out of control here - roy chubby brown will be quoted next - Dempsey loves a bit of blue.

Chubby Brown is not a comedian. Worst shite ever.

Sent using a complex system of semaphore and ninjas.

Yeah well he did once comment on his brother in law's car once. "My brother in law drives a Ford clitirois the kind of car every c*^t has :P

A guy loses his wife somewhere in a big supermarket. He wanders round and sees another guy looking similarly helpless, bereft, wondering what to do. "What's up?" 'I can't find my wife' "Me too. What does she look like?" 'Ok, ah, she's about six foot, blond, quite athletic. She's wearing a mini skirt and tank top. What does your wife look like?'
"Forget about her, let's look for yours."

"Knock, knock"

"Who's there?"

"9/11"

"9/11 who?"

"Thought you'd said you'd never forget!"

Little Johnnie missed a day at school, comes in next day teacher asks where he was. He says "me da got burnt" teacher says "oh my, I do hope it's nothing serious". Johnnie replies "well they don't Fuck around at the crematorium miss".

TT

What's black and white, black and white, black and white? A penguin rolling down a hill.

(http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/azbm6NB_460s.jpg)

Sometimes, to impress girls, I use big words I don't understand, in an effort to sound more photosynthesis.

Sent from my HTC One

What do you call a northsider in a 3 piece suit.....The defendant
What do you call a northsider in a 4 bedroomed house...a burglar

Quote from: DEMPSEY on November 09, 2013, 03:41:20 PM
What do you call a northsider in a 3 piece suit.....The defendant
What do you call a northsider in a 4 bedroomed house...a burglar

Well thats your North side support link Permanentley Cut!

Quote from: Will_D on November 09, 2013, 09:54:51 PM

Quote from: DEMPSEY on November 09, 2013, 03:41:20 PM
What do you call a northsider in a 3 piece suit.....The defendant
What do you call a northsider in a 4 bedroomed house...a burglar

Well thats your North side support link Permanentley Cut!

What about a taffy sheepshagger joke?

Sent from my HTC One

Not only for winemakers  :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8nr7rvRRpM

+1

Sent from my GT-I8160 using Tapatalk 2

What's all green and slimy and turns red at a press of a button. a frog in a liquidiser.

Quote from: Bzfeale80 on December 03, 2013, 03:36:24 PM
+1

Sent from my GT-I8160 using Tapatalk 2

One of my favourite  :) those two are great guys.

How about this prank a few kiwis pulled on their mate?  ;D

http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/best-prank-ever-kiwi-pranksters-plumb-mate8217s-house-with-beer/story-fnet0he2-1226721533181#ooid=s3eHVtZTqImRDN4r69mt3TEMvHB0gu0M

Woman is like a casino:
Liquor in the front, poker in the back!

Quote from: alealex on December 03, 2013, 08:27:05 PM
Women is like a casino:
Liquor in the front, poker in the back!

My wife doesn't find that joke anywhere near as funny as I do!!!!

Ye do know that God gave women orgasm's so they could practice their moaning

http://youtu.be/D19lSXQ1a-8

I want that app!

Quote from: HomeBrewWest on December 04, 2013, 07:34:15 PM
I want that app!

And then you'd need:

"Customers who bought this app also bought "Imitation Rubber Cockroaches: 10 off as you won't get many returned by the girls"

Indian buyer for the Indian reservation comes to town to buy monthly needs. Has a small budget so after ordering the sacks of food he looks for toilet paper. $1 a roll said the shopkeeper, "too dear do you have anything else", "I have this wrapping paper for 10 cents a roll" said shopkeeper. He takes the paper and so the next month he calls in to buy the monthly needs and the shopkeeper says he has more of this paper but the Indian says "no we not want no John Wayne paper because its tough,strong and take no shit from an Indian".

They've got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for an hour because I started to feel sick,but it's genius - it's got Mars bars, KitKat Chunkys, crisps...everything

A friend of mine died after drinking a gallon of varnish. It was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.

Sent from my HTC One

Quote from: iTube on December 20, 2013, 11:11:54 AM
Why did the girl fall off the swing? Cos she had no arms.

cue Dempsey with an "armless" joke :)

I know he thought it.

I was visiting friends over Christmas, and at one point I asked their daughter if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, use my iPad."

So I did, and I have to admit I was impressed - that fly never knew what hit him.

(http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/0d/1f/84/0d1f84ec9e570d4977b692fe586bfec0.jpg)

Mrs johnrm is on the floor

A very narcisisstic is admiring his muscular, well-toned naked body in the mirror, when he realises something is amiss - he is perfectly tanned, apart from his alarmingly white John Thomas. So, in an effort to correct this, he goes down to the beach, digs a hole, and climbs in. Then he covers himself with sand, leaving nothing but his weapon exposed.
An hour later, two elderly women walk past, and one of them comments 'Well, that's bloody typical, that is. When I was 10, I didn't know what they were. When I twenty, I was curious about them. When I was thirty, I was loving them. When I was forty, I was gagging for them, and by the time I was fifty, I was paying for them.
'Now, here I am, sixty years old and I've more or less forgotten about them, and the fcuking things are growing out of the ground!'

A man walks into a crowded bar with a loaded gun and shouts "who's been f****** my wife?"a voice in the back shouts " you don't have enough bullets".....

(http://cdn-www.i-am-bored.com/media/beerr.jpg)

Found this by accident, wish i had found this earlier  ;D ;D ;D

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_CPA6uRnBc

Disappointed Abras did get a mention is it still there?

"Its ok the Poundshop is still going strong",

VG Mr G!! ;D

Abras is alive and well....alive anyway

This woman had a Parrot that would not stop using (fowl  :P) language and one day She threatened the bird to shut up. "Polly says feck off Polly says feck off" so she put a hood over its cage but still the bird squawked "Polly says feck off Polly says feck off". Finally she took the bird out of its cage and put it in the fridge. As the bird was perching in there it looked around the fridge and saw a stuffed cooked chicken, "Jasus what the fook did you say".

"You seem to periodically have a fungus problem up at the top of your house."

"That's OK, it's just a spore-attic problem."

haha

I remeber from an old Diageo Annual report that they owned Pilsbury!

Do they still? Should I offload my shares?

Quote from: Eoin on January 13, 2014, 09:32:15 AM
"You seem to periodically have a fungus problem up at the top of your house."

"That's OK, it's just a spore-attic problem."

Groan. I hope it doesn't grow on me!

Quote from: HomeBrewWest on January 14, 2014, 01:04:48 AM

Quote from: Eoin on January 13, 2014, 09:32:15 AM
"You seem to periodically have a fungus problem up at the top of your house."

"That's OK, it's just a spore-attic problem."

Groan. I hope it doesn't grow on me!

It might do, cos you're a "fun gi"

Quote from: Eoin on January 14, 2014, 08:38:14 AM
It might do, cos you're a "fun gi"

Yeah; they broke the 'mold' when they made you :)  (shit, there might be a 'u' in there, can't think straight. Damn vowel dropping Yanks)

Speaking of attics, we keep dumping stuff in our attic to the point where there's not 'mush-room' left for anything more.

-Barry

P.s. A mushroom is a type of fungi, I think.

Ok stop, jokes.....

Two lads head to confession.
The first lad goes in and confesses that he was with a loose woman.

Priest asks 'Was it Mary from the pub?'
'No.'
'Nuala in the shop?'
'No.'
'Betty from the petrol station?'
'No.'
'Bless you son, one Our Father and two Hail Marys'
Lad leaves confessional.

Second lad 'How did you get on?'
'One Our Father and two Hail Marys, but I have three good leads!'

Cardinal Cathal Daly,Cardinal Robin Eames,Doctor Ian Paisley and a school boy were on a flight home to Belfast when the pilot announced that they did not have enough fuel and will crash. He then said that there were 3 parachutes at the back of the plane. Immediately the 4 went to the back and Robin Eames put one on because he was an important person and jumped out of the plane. Paisley and Daly starred at each other until Daly said to paisley "here you take one because you are an important person too" and he helped to put it on and so Paisley jumped out of the plane. Next thing the school boy started to cry "I am not an important person" but Daly said "sure no bother put this parachute on and I will use this one"
"but there was only 3 parachutes" said the school boy,"yes but I gave Paisley your school bag".

And finally I thought she was coming around when for Valentines day I was bought a copy of


(http://img.tapatalk.com/d/14/02/15/y9y4equ4.jpg)


Which was great until she also presented me with 24 1/2 crates of the beers from the book.

Q: What do you call a Corkman, dressed in a monkey suit, planting hop plants in the local park at the dead of night?

A: A Gorilla Gardner!

Someone stole a pair of the wife's knickers off the clothes line. That was bad enough but they took the 9 clothes pegs as well. :P

Quizmaster: How many feet in a yard?

Fred West: 36.

I asked my Welsh mate how many girlfriends he'd had. He started counting and fell asleep.

Quote from: DEMPSEY on March 04, 2014, 07:45:26 PM
I asked my Welsh mate how many girlfriends he'd had. He started counting and fell asleep.

I love it!

Best joke of the new St Davids Day Milenium!

When I first went back to rural South Wales and told all the farmers (of sheep) what the city lads up North (Salford) said about Welsmen/Sheep and Wellies I kid you not:

There were a few pensive looks and mumbles in english/Welsh along the lines of "Hmm not a bad idea that"

Jaysus I first heard that in a playground in about 1958!

Also their scottish cousins

"Ben Doon and PhilupMc(a)Cavity"

What happens if they get married?

Quote from: Will_D on March 04, 2014, 08:01:38 PM
Jaysus I first heard that in a playground in about 1958!

Also their scottish cousins

"Ben Doon and PhilupMc(a)Cavity"

Phil McCracken too

And what about the queer in Australia they could'nt get him out of Sydney

Quote from: DEMPSEY on March 04, 2014, 10:47:08 PM
And what about the queer in Australia they could'nt get him out of Sydney

what about him?

Quote from: delzep on March 04, 2014, 10:51:20 PM

Quote from: DEMPSEY on March 04, 2014, 10:47:08 PM
And what about the queer in Australia they could'nt get him out of Sydney

what about him?

or was he up to his bollix in Sydney

being in Alice Springs is preferable

 I asked my my Welsh mate how many girlfriends he'd had. He started counting and fell asleep.

Apologies to "you know who"

Dempsey?

 ???

When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's "art". But when I do it, I'm "wasted" and have to leave B&Q.

(http://i741.photobucket.com/albums/xx52/duvellover/beeravocate.jpg)

(http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/adN2GpZ_700b.jpg)

This is how to advertise your craft cider. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Xfzxesxk_Yo&feature=youtu.be

Could be that I haven't had my morning coffee yet, or I'm a bit slow, but it took me until 1.01 to get the joke  :D

That's brilliant Chris ! LOL  ;D ;D ;D

Who is this guy Moderation I'm being told to drink with,I never even met him. :P

Quote from: Chris on March 15, 2014, 09:08:34 AM
This is how to advertise your craft cider. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Xfzxesxk_Yo&feature=youtu.be

Fredrick Von Dickens . . . . should have given it away!

A lamb vindaloo is lying quietly in a stomach. All of a sudden something cold and wet lands on top of it.

"Hey! Who the hell are you?" says the vindaloo.

"I'm a double vodka," says the newcomer. "Dave just paid for me."

A few minutes later another downpour arrives.

"And who in the hell are you?" says the vindaloo.

"I'm a double vodka," says the latest newcomer. "Dave just got another round in."

This goes on for a while until the tenth double vodka gushes in and says Dave just bought it.

"You guys have made me curious," says the vindaloo. "I'm going to take a look at this Dave bloke myself!!"

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
-------------------
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

Quote from: DEMPSEY on March 17, 2014, 11:54:08 AM
A lamb vindaloo is lying quietly in a stomach. All of a sudden something cold and wet lands on top of it.

"Hey! Who the hell are you?" says the vindaloo.

"I'm a double vodka," says the newcomer. "Dave just paid for me."

A few minutes later another downpour arrives.

"And who in the hell are you?" says the vindaloo.

"I'm a double vodka," says the latest newcomer. "Dave just got another round in."

This goes on for a while until the tenth double vodka gushes in and says Dave just bought it.

"You guys have made me curious," says the vindaloo. "I'm going to take a look at this Dave bloke myself!!"

dont get it !!

Quote from: JimmyM on March 18, 2014, 02:18:20 PM

Quote from: DEMPSEY on March 17, 2014, 11:54:08 AM
A lamb vindaloo is lying quietly in a stomach. All of a sudden something cold and wet lands on top of it.

"Hey! Who the hell are you?" says the vindaloo.

"I'm a double vodka," says the newcomer. "Dave just paid for me."

A few minutes later another downpour arrives.

"And who in the hell are you?" says the vindaloo.

"I'm a double vodka," says the latest newcomer. "Dave just got another round in."

This goes on for a while until the tenth double vodka gushes in and says Dave just bought it.

"You guys have made me curious," says the vindaloo. "I'm going to take a look at this Dave bloke myself!!"

dont get it !!

Aah Jimmy are you telling me you never went looking for any drunks 2 best mates Hughie and Rolf ;)

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun!
What the heck is a golf gun?'
'I don't know.
But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

A german toilet lady is earning a lot of money on the mens toilet :)

(http://static0.hln.be/static/photo/2014/11/11/0/20140319124335/media_xll_6586950.jpg)

A little translation:

Use of mens toilet

Small love pump: 10 cent
big love pump: 2 euro

I am going to a different toilet now.. It cost 5 euro each time i have to go to the toilet  ::)

3 Cork lads and 3 Kerry blokes were in a ticket queue at the train station heading  for a Ireland - England International at Lansdowne.

The 3 Cork lads each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Kerry Boys bought just one ticket between them.
"How are the 3 of you going to travel on 1 ticket?" asked one of the Cork lads.
"Yeall have to watch and learn boys" answered one of the boys from Kerry.

When the 6 travellers boarded the train, the 3 Corkonians sat down, but the 3 Kerry boys crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train set off the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "tickets please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The Conductor took it and moved on into the next car.

The Cork lads saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save themselves some money.

That evening after the game, when they all got to heuston, the Cork lads bought a single ticket for the return trip, while to their astonishment, the 3 Kerry lads didn't even buy 1 ticket.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Corkonians.
"A lads yeall have to watch and learn", answered one of the Kerry boys.

When they boarded the train the 3 Corkonians crammed themselves into a toilet and the 3 Kerry boys crammed themselves into another toilet.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Kerry boys left their toilet and walked over to the Cork lad's toilet. He knocked on the door and said "ticket please"

TEACHING ENGLISH

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realises that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says,
"This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he
hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilised and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."

beer machine
http://www.leagueofbeers.com/blog/craft-beer-refills-soda-machine/

Instant coffee was invented and it was science fiction when it happened... :) Giv it time we will have instant beer, stranger things have happened in the food industry :) :)

Check this out fellas  8)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOKuSQIJlog

That dude reminds me of the ether scene in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7Y0I91rubg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ub3Cm0V_Z8w

Beer contains female hormones

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. 
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8.) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

(http://static2.hln.be/static/photo/2014/10/9/7/20140502112847/media_xll_6707257.jpg)

(http://static3.hln.be/static/photo/2014/2/1/14/20140502112225/media_xll_6707249.jpg)

(http://static1.hln.be/static/photo/2014/4/16/8/20140502111157/media_xll_6707213.jpg)

(http://static3.hln.be/static/photo/2014/7/6/4/20140502112715/media_xll_6707254.jpg)

I collected stamps for a brief period when I was a teenager. I gave it up though. I thought to myself "philately'll get you nowhere".

Is it true that wedding cake is one of the most harmful foods a man could eat :)

http://youtu.be/7g0AJPqKybs

http://www.phdcomics.com/comics/archive/phd061110s.gif

http://tapastic.com/episode/12132

A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks,
"May I buy you a cocktail?"
"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."
"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
"No, they spread."

So:

An actractive lady is walking past the local corners shop when she spots a sign in the window:

Special Offer Today:

"Pussy Licking Frog Available Here - Free Free Free!"

So into the shop she goes. Up to the counter and says to 'yer man:

"I am asking about the pussy licking frog?"

He replies:







"Bonjour Madamme ...."

Ebola cases are being  fed a strict diet of pizza flapjacks and flatbreads. It will not cure them its just all they can get under the door.

listen-up:

"If they legalise abortion in Ireland there will probably be a 9 month waiting list"

A doctor rushed into the ward and shouted that we have a case of Ebola in the hospital, great said the nurse I getting a bit sick of lucozade.

Right, which one of you'se has opened a shop??

(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10628143_10154581919560192_5757821617659508775_n.jpg?oh=4136a461d8baa2fa0438a61628f44ba6&oe=547989E8)

Priceless is that. Next stop the oxford dicky :)

(http://ep9.xhcdn.com/000/055/019/403_1000.jpg)

Achmed was killed fighting for Isis and so his friends wanted to find out did he get to paradise and get the virgins so they had a seance. "Achmed, Achmed are you there can you hear us. Is that you Abdul, yes whats it like where you are now. Its fantastic I don't have to do any work and the weather here is warm and sunny, I relax alot and when the urge is on me I ride any female I want. That's fantastic so you made it to paradise then. What no I'm a rabbit in a meadow".

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.



On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more'. So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Quote from: Dube on June 27, 2013, 03:24:41 PM
Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Cos she had no arms.

That is the worst ever, unless I'm missing something. Worse even that:
- how does a ship hear things?
... with its engineers.

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly.

Lorraine dies suddenly.

At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

Went for a job with a farrier and he asked me if I had ever shoe'd a horse before. No I said but I once told a Donkey to feck off.

Bill Gates goes to purgatory.

St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.

Bill chooses Hell.

About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.

Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"

St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."

A Bishop was travelling with alot of Priests on an Aeroplane heading to the middle East and were flying over Romania. A young Priest was sitting looking out the Window and the bishop said to him that that land down there now is Transilvania,home of Dracula. Just as he spoke he noticed something far off heading towards the plane,as it got nearer and bigger everyone else began to notice too. All were transfixed by the image as it got nearer and larger. Finally it landed on the side of the plane and using its fangs began to bite at the window. All the Priests jump up in panic and looked to the Bishop. "Quick lads grab your crucifixes", he said "but we can't because they are locked up in our luggage" they all cried out, "then use your fingers lads" he said "OK" they said and immediately ran to the window and gestured with their fingers "fook off,Fook off".

"go and take a look at the size of the shit I've just done in the bathroom !" I said to the wife.
"no thanks", she replied.
"please...just one quick look", I said, "you won't believe it".
She pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, "theres nothing down there, you must have flushed it".
I said "it's on the scales".

For those of us who appreciate good grammar.

On his 74th birthday Tom got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was
rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine.
You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and
then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

HOMEMADE BEER KILLS

http://www.perthnow.com.au/video/id-Z5YnhxcjqSqe8dkSI883cae9CXd7AUBg/Bad-beer-kills-at-least-69-in-Mozambique

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gagged!

I'll get my coat!

A man was stopped  on the M50 For Drink Driving. The guard asked him to blow into the breathalyzer he produced a card from his wallet stating he had chronic asthma so he couldn't. The guard said ok we will have to go to the station for a blood test the guy said I can' t I have a blood disorder that if I lose any blood I need a immediate transfusion. OK said the guard we need to do a urine test to test the blood alcohol level in your system. The guy takes another card from his wallet " I AM A MANCHESTER UNITED SUPPORTER PLEASE DON'T TAKE THE PISS "

http://omeleto.com/199788/ Saw this on FB thought it was funny.

He can speak French, even in Russian..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxgiTeXKOOc

Anyone have a recipe for this (http://tapatalk.imageshack.com/v2/15/02/08/9334767bedb293804c6c0c50404cb0bc.jpg)

Buckfast and Viagra

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52goNx1zkkU

Its true that dogs are man's best friend.On a recent shopping trip I locked the wife and the dog in the car and guess who was more pleased to see me when i returned to open the boot?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjeEgj6qk3I

Quote from: Greg2013 on February 23, 2015, 12:00:11 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52goNx1zkkU

Henry is white in heaven?

GENIUS.....

Guy goes to a farriers for a job interview & was asked
"Have you ever shoed a horse?"

To which he replied:
"No. But I once told a donkey to fuck-off!"

I've deleted all the German contacts off my mobile phone, now it's Hans free.

What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

I got a Chinese take away last night. I got out the car and heard the bag rustle, so I looked over and I saw a pair of eyss looking out at me, then disappear back inside. I was so scared I nearly shit myself, I looked again and saw the eyes looking at me and then disappear again, I ran back into the shop with the bag and I asked the Chinese owner what the fuck was going on, he said, "You no worry, it Peking duck."

So whose being spending alot of time with the kids :D.

When clowns divorce, it can be a nasty custardy battle.

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?




One's really heavy but the other's a little lighter...  ;D

Echo, Echo, echo...

Quote from: johnrm on August 27, 2015, 08:53:47 AM
Echo, Echo, echo...

Not only do they almost have the same name  but now they're telling the same jokes  8)

Quote from: Sorcerers Apprentice on August 27, 2015, 10:09:39 AM

Quote from: johnrm on August 27, 2015, 08:53:47 AM
Echo, Echo, echo...

Not only do they almost have the same name  but now they're telling the same jokes  8)

...from the BBC website, I might add:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-34039927

-Barry

oops, didn't notice..
I told it better anyway. ;D

(http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/09/01/e24cd87fe1ebd6beb1258e830b48d457.jpg)

Alaska itself was named for the French phrase meaning "in the style of ska."

I was offered sex today with a beautiful nubile 21 year old girl. In exchange for that I only had to advertise some bathroom cleaning product to my friends. I refused of course because I am a person of high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in lemon or vanilla scent.

Why has that guy got a mash spoon in his bed?

Quote from: Ciderhead on September 05, 2015, 10:23:36 PM
Why has that guy got a mash spoon in his bed?

He's just about to hit strike temperature CH.

Oh, I thought he was stirring his grains to avoid dough balls

How do you kill a circus?

Stab it in the Jugular!  ;D

Bit of clean up done?

Probably for the best...

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a poop."

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

This was never go any other way, try not to cry

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1diWPlEXSg&sns=em

Did you hear they're already making a movie about the recent Volkswagen scandal, Tom Cruise is lined up for the lead.

"Emissions Impossible"   :P

Quote from: CH on September 29, 2015, 05:12:56 PM
This was never go any other way, try not to cry

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1diWPlEXSg&sns=em

Kin 'ell that was about 45kg or more

An Englishman walks into a bar, normally there'd be an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman with him, but they're still at the world cup.

Guy goes into a pet shop & asks if they have bees for sale.

Owner says "we have everything - how many would you like"

Guy say "I'll have 3 please"

Owner goes to his storage & comes back with bees in a match box

Guy leaves store & checks match box. He sees 4 bees & returns to the store saying he only asked for 3.

Owner says the 4th is a free-bee

At the prison of war camp the commandant lined up all the prisoners and announced "today ve vill have a change of underwear,you change with you, you change with you ......".

Quote from: DEMPSEY on October 16, 2015, 09:33:06 PM
At the prison of war camp the commandant lined up all the prisoners and announced "today ve vill have a change of underwear,you change with you, you change with you ......".

Ahh, the oldies are the goldies...;)

Husband: Can you get me a beer before it starts.
Wife: What???
Husband: Fetch me a beer before it starts.
Wife: If you think that I'm going to....
Husband: Crap, it's started

Pinched off of MadModers:

Some clips are just amusing others are frightening.



Will

Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."
Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old."
Paddy asks,  "Does it Hurt?"
Mick says, " Well I couldn't walk for 12 months.."

(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/01/52/01/0152017acf6ccf419d32dc557c4d44e1.jpg)

(http://ct.weirdnutdaily.com/ol/wn/sw/i37/2/11/24/wnd_b39af407ff57cf729e0b6f51537f1058.jpg)

New BJCP guidelines up folks.  :P

(http://s8.postimg.org/ayibv3lrp/bjcp.jpg)

Inspired by a comment by CH on the equipment thread:

Qn: When Belgians want a baby - what do they do?

Ans: Put a pin prick in the condom!

Qn: What if they want twins?

Ans: Then they put two pin pricks in condom!

Comment to they who answer: Then you must be as stupid as the Efiin Belgies!

Quote from: Will_D on December 27, 2015, 08:07:01 PM

Comment to they who answer: Then you must be as stupid as the Efiin Belgies!

I feel like emailing my old linguistics prof with this one, it's almost word for word a translation of a joke in French. For those who don't know, the Belgians are seen as the kerrymen of the francophone world, so they are the stock eejit. Very rarely makes it's way into English though.

As a Kerryman I think I should be offended by that post. I'm not sure though because I didnt understand some of the big words you used    :-\

Words of wisdom.
A successful Man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend, A successful Woman is one who can find him.

Advice for those organising club meetings  :P

Better with audio :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpuINaqFPh8&feature=youtu.be

feck health and safety

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcRHUOTNobE

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogery
chwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress: "Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said: "Burrr... gurrr... King."

https://youtu.be/Jsci--s8J48

I bought a very cheap watch in the local market 2 days ago. It just says now..

(http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20161004/39ab085491b914e52c44f787cd149fde.png)

 >:D >:D

I'd like to see something similar to address the millions of people who can't seem to fathom:

your = yours i.e. belonging to you (e.g. 'get off your high horse, you Tyrone tw*t')
you're = short for 'you are' i.e. the combination of the words 'you' and 'are' (e.g. 'you're going to make a lot of enemies with this post')

I get the feeling there was a 'flu pandemic back in the 70's and only ten of us made it into school that day.
...and again in 80's
...90's
...00's
...10's

There, I've (short for 'I have') finally said it.

-Barry

Quote from: Bazza on October 05, 2016, 08:35:51 AM
I'd like to see something similar to address the millions of people who can't seem to fathom:

your = yours i.e. belonging to you (e.g. 'get off your high horse, you Tyrone tw*t')
you're = short for 'you are' i.e. the combination of the words 'you' and 'are' (e.g. 'you're going to make a lot of enemies with this post')

I get the feeling there was a 'flu pandemic back in the 70's and only ten of us made it into school that day.
...and again in 80's
...90's
...00's
...10's

There, I've (short for 'I have') finally said it.

-Barry

(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/58/99/c4/5899c43f346ce93f64998f4d872a507d.jpg)

Never criticise a mans autocorrect until you have wanked a milf in his shoes

So I was in the pub and a man said to me " when I get home I'm going to reef my wife's knickers off", "why" says I and says he, "cause their bleed'n killing me".

Out having a drink tonight and the guy next to me at the bar was drinking like its going out of fashion.

After a few pints he turns to me and says "I F#*ked his mother" while pointing at the bar man

I laughed and got back to my drink

A few minutes later her turned around and shouted it again., Again I ignored it.

An other few minutes passed and he got off his stool, Walked over to me, Put his arm around me and shouted it so everybody could hear.
With that the bar man came from behind the bar and frog marched him towards the door, "Ok Da, Time to go home!"

Just saw this on facebook, talking about craft beer talkers:

A blonde is driving in her car and hears on the radio that 2 Brazilian men have been killed. She starts crying and turns to her boyfriend and asks "How many is a Brazilian?"

Gotta love 'muricans...
(http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20161208/94e3b6c1e214d9e9841170a933c83662.jpg)

(http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20161226/29cc10bde028d866e6b50e35cd10c3a1.png)

Spotted on a Dutch CV.
I think they need to work on their English...
(http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170105/6ba035667e5589eb54a50b7e67aa32e6.jpg)

I'm putting my missus back on the pill to prevent unexpected arrivals


(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170114/ef283e65cc767a6341ec3ce45c01399c.jpg)

whats the difference between a chick pea and a kidney bean?

donald trumps never had a kidney bean on his face

Seamus and Micko head over to London to donate sperm.  It was a disaster; Seamus came on the bus and Micko missed the Tube.

I didn't miss it completely I got some of it on the side

Sorry Mick02, I'm almost afraid to tell the rest of the story now.  But only almost, so here goes:

Dejected after the sperm donation went so badly wrong, Seamus and Micko decided to console themselves with a pub crawl around London.  However, with barely a penny between them, Seamus was concerned.  Micko however came up with a plan and found a butchers where he purchased a sausage.  They then proceeded to the nearest watering hole, ordered 2 pints and 2 chasers, downed them both.  Quick as a flash, Micko stuck the sausage through the zip in his jeans and Seamus knelt down before him and started sucking on the sausage.  The Barman, disgusted at the scene, escorted them both off the premises without any money changing hands.  With the plan in full swing, the two lads set off on their pub crawl, getting kicked out of every pub along the way, but not before downing their free pints and chasers.  By about the 12th pub, Seamus says to Micko 'can we switch places, my knees are killing me?' to which Micko replies, 'you think you got problems?  I lost the feckin' sausage in the second pub'.

http://www.theonion.com/video/how-brew-your-own-beer-55270

Shit Step 4, my secrets out, but I don't use Mozart tho  :-*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zfxZRBm3EY

So what does this say about Miller?

https://www.facebook.com/brew2bottle/videos/245013948964344/

Wtf!
Special Delivery just sign here

http://m.independent.ie/irish-news/courts/postal-worker-who-pleasured-himself-through-letterbox-caught-on-cctv-making-unwanted-delivery-35485886.html

The postman always comes twice

so 2 cannibals are eating a  clown and one says, " does this taste funny to you".